Devin and the Pale Blue Butterfly

The Elusive Tiny Pale Blue Butterfly


Night was falling quickly in the dream I just had , as I stood on the Japanese bridge I could just barely see the Koi eagerly gobbling up the food I stood there tossing in big honking  handfuls to them as I usually do . Breaking the surface, mouths open greedy ,fighting each other for a place closer to me .The normally calm water bubbling and roiling with activity. Now coming closer to me from the distance,emerging out from under the drooping branches of a Canadian Hemlock tree and out from the darkness was a man who in my mind I saw as the strange combination of my two cousins ( one of whom I haven't seen in years no less spoken with) ..Dennis and the other recently passed from this life,  Kevin. Both of them the childhood playmates that subbed as brothers for me the only child . 
So I will call this man.... Devin . And as Devin drew near me, I hear myself telling him, somewhat reluctantly that I could not see in the darkness now and I am asking for his help to make our way back into the house. Although looking up in into the sky I can see a storm is fast approaching. This man, Devin , he never speaks , just smiles and extends his arm and takes my hand.  Guiding me across the bridge, through the fabric tented gazebo that we have at the pond side under the trees. We lingered for a moment there, where I turned to look back at the water and the ever more increasing blackness, as the clouds gather over our heads  and then parting the drape with one hand he motioned to me to follow him , and we stepped hand in hand out onto the light colored gravel covered paths that lead through heavy underbrush , just as it is in the garden at my house. All the while hearing my mother's voice in the distance, she is calling out to me ,calling me from the back door of a house she never saw, as she died many years before I moved into this house in Collingswood. We seemed to glide slowly ,effortlessly, almost floating  down those storm darkened paths and yet still I knew I had to rely on him to take me back to safety. I sensed the green of the ferns as they brushed against my legs , and heard the crunch of the gravel under our footfall all the while holding Devin's hand tightly moving now beneath the meeting maple and the fig tree branches getting ever closer to the house. And just as a blinding crack of lightning lit up the pink horizon sky we came into the clearing. I stumbled forward, missing my footing on one of the huge stones that makes up the step down to the door and that woke me with the feeling I was falling. I lie there awake now and my heart was still pounding in my chest , listening to my husband's heavy breathing as he lay soundly asleep unaware of my dreamy walk into the garden to feed the fish.  I disturbed little Sophie, asleep ,usually purring softly , head in the crook of my left arm. " Are they in dream land too"? I wondered , what fantasy could be going on for them? Devin and my mother had dissolved to live in the dark realm of the world where they just existed , but wide eyed now ,I sat up on the edge of the bed wondering why? Why can't I sleep ...I took my Lunesta. Why ? Why did I need Devin to come rescue me , where did he come from?. And where did he return to? And why was my mother worried I would not get back to the house? After all ,the whole scenario takes place in my own garden , something I know better than than the back of my hand , even blinded by the darkness. Who was this man who never said a word to me , but without whom I felt I could not return to my safe little world. I am going to feel like crap tomorrow I have to be up early to leave with my husband I have an appointment in the city. Where is that pale blue butterfly and why won't she land on my shoulder and take me back into the dream world until morning? There's a storm coming quickly and mommy needs to know I got back inside before the rain started. When I tripped off the stone I broke Devin's grasp and he let go of me and as he moved back into the dark of night I was stepping closer to the door my mother called from, but instead ,I moved into the dim moonlit night light of my bedroom ...now awake. Earlier this evening before bed, we watched some TV..... I cried the whole time , thinking about my friend who recently died. Tears were rolling down my face, as I blew my nose, I pretended to my husband that  I though I was having a cold coming on. My mind was so taken over by sadness for my friend, I couldn't control myself. Did I work myself up into this state? I guess I will never know . 
Whoever you are thank you Devin, ........and Momma.... I made it back safely before the storm .